I was thinking about this in the shower today after I had myself balded (yes, a) I'm bald again and b) "bald" is a verb), and I was going to just let it go but then I got back to Naperville and typed it all on a digital sticky note. Plus, the shower is generally where the best ideas come from (or the toilet or really any part of the bathroom). So yeah, here's this:
(Also, sorry for the formatting, but it's a stream-of-consciousness thing, so I'm leaving it exactly as I typed it originally)
i'm not famous yet. a lot of people go into this with the intent of being famous. a lot of people pick up an instrument and expect to get good in less than a year, then give up when that doesn't happen. a lot of people learn a few chords, play them, and get laid all the time. a few people learn interesting chord variations and use them and get laid a bit less, but at least that's somewhat tasteful. i play metal, the kind of music nobody really wants to hear. sure, it's gaining a significant following and some respect outside of the culture itself, which is better than it being not liked OR respected, but still, nobody wants to hear this crap. i realize that. i realize that i'll never be "actually" famous. i realize that my chances are just about unfathomably slim at getting to be "kind of" famous. yet i pour every cent i make into this, i put every bit of time i can muster, and even the time i can't muster, time that doesn't even exist, into this, all of this in the hope that some people that i don't personally know might get a little excited for my next release, which, more often than not, will be primarily myself doing everything from the composition to the mastering. yes, i have a tight-knit group of friends that assists with the whole project, but the real weight is on me. i'm not complaining, i put it there. i'm just commenting. and the truth of it all is that it sucks. it really does. and there's nothing i love more. that's what passion is, though. that's not something i just learned now. there's just something about the fact that this is all rooted in something that's so unpopular and still socially not-really-accepted-but-politely-respected. i don't have a social life, i don't know what people do when they hang out with each other casually. i have little to no experience in that subject. i sit in a room with instruments and a computer, thinking, as if i don't think enough in my day-to-day life. it's a very lonely place, and while i wish there were more people in this with me, i feel that at the same time there'd be too many chefs in the kitchen, this very delicate and uptight while also being loose, warm, and contemplative kitchen. i do, though, at least wish i had another pair of ears or another brain closer to here than chicago is. but i guess that's just part of the deal. sure, "eventually i'll find the right people," sure, "eventually i'll make it somewhere and maybe get 'kind of' famous," but let's face it: there's a good chance neither of those things will happen (granted, the first is far more likely than the second). and yet this all seems somewhat mundane as i type this, as if it's not actually remarkable and doesn't really deserve the "hype" i'm giving it here. it's just what i do. i've chosen to do it. i like to do it (and hate it all the same). but perhaps that all makes it noteworthy, though very few people will really understand why. anyway, back to the ol' grind, that's enough from my brain for a while.